This isn't a "How-to" article, it's more of an out loud question/thought post. I've been thinking of how I should raise my children in a general sense: am I doing a good job, are they going to be good kids, etc?
My husband and I try very hard to raise our kids well. We aren't perfect and some things work for us that don't work for other parents and vice versa. We do believe that our kids should have manners and should NOT act like lunatics in public! We understand that they are kids and they are allowed to make mistakes, but when Princess uses both hands to shovel food into her mouth at a restaurant, yes, I will tell her to use her fork....several times. Little Dude is still not allowed to use potty words at the table either.
You are thinking "and this is different from a normal family in what way"? Well, Military Dad has now been on the opposite coast for five months, in order to go to school for his next position in the Navy. So far the kids and I have done alright, most of this is due to the fact that he is still Stateside, a phone call away. The only major hurdle is the 3 hour time difference in scheduling Google Hangout chats. The kids are still going to school, going to bed on time and using their table manners.
Princess has gone through this before, however it was 4 years ago. Every once in awhile I get the random comments, "I really miss Daddy." Then I get to imagine the awful sound of my husband's heart breaking, as I try to explain how it's his job. Fortunately she is now old enough to understand that his job is to protect our country, in a way. He obviously doesn't do it alone!
The easiest way I found to explain it to her was to compare Daddy to a police officer. A police officer protects the cities and states that they live in. The military just does it on a much bigger scale for our entire country. They also protect other countries from bullies.
This conversation with her was actually the best thing I've done for her. She is very proud of her father and she seems ok with him having to leave us every once in awhile. But the best was hearing, "Mommy, even though Daddy does a hard job, I'm still going to want him home with us because he's my daddy and I love him!"
Little Dude has had Daddy home the entire time, so when Daddy left, there was a definite adjustment period. He took on the typical, temper tantrum/general refusal to do anything, attitude. It was difficult but we got through it. He is still four, so he has those moments as a normal child.
The hard part is raising your kids while your partner is gone. Yes, he is a phone call away, but to the kids he could be in outer space; he's just not here, in the now. I go into what I call "survival mode", which is just getting through the day and surrounding yourself with tasks to keep busy until you can pass out at bedtime. It's absolutely exhausting, stressful and very hard to do on a daily basis for extended periods of time.
The major problem with raising your kids in the military is the inconsistency. How do you keep them sane and regular when everything around them isn't? If your partner is on a ship and has to stay late or overnight to fix problems, "Sorry, kids, Daddy has to stay on the ship again tonight! Here's your dinner."
Every once in awhile these "pop-ups" are okay to deal with and move on, however if they are underway or deployed, it gets harder to keep things regular or rules as strict. You can't say, "Daddy won't be home for 78 days, 4 hours and 2 minutes", not because your counting or anything. So it becomes, "Daddy won't be home for awhile", or general avoidance, "Daddy's on the ship remember?"
Sometimes it's just easier to order a pizza and watch a movie for dinner, instead of sit at table and practice manners.
It's the weekend, do we really need to get dressed? NO! Pajama day!
You want macaroni and cheese for the fourth day in a row? Okay.
The list goes on, but you get the point. In order to not go insane you depend on friends, because normally your family is in another state or country. These friends become more like family, but better (less drama, usually). They become your entire support system.
Imagine having one of those days when nothing goes well and you are just exhausted. Somehow, your friend can feel this from miles away and calls you (my friends text, since I'm not a talker) and asks you over for dinner or she's bringing over her hoard of kids to help make dinner.
I know some of you may be thinking: seriously? some woman just invited her kids over to your house? You are having a bad day, just order a pizza and send everyone to bed early.
Problem with that is, you already did that yesterday and more than likely, the day before. Think about it, you now have your kids occupied doing constructive things, socializing, while you and your friend are venting and getting some much needed therapy while you (completely unaware) make a wonderfully healthy, complete meal. It's weird, but it works and it is what keeps military "families" together.
"It takes a village to raise a child."
We may not live in the traditional village setting, or even remotely close to one another, however military families are their own village. We aren't just raising children either. We are laughter when we need it, a shoulder to cry on, a therapist, an emergency contact for your kids, and someone who will share horror stories without judgment. Most important, throughout all my years, I have never met and connected with people on the level that I connect with other military families.
Thank you sisters and brothers!
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