I am absolutely amazed at the many ways people use duct tape. Wallets, pen flowers, various crafts, entire prom dresses, oh and taping things together, of course. Interestingly enough, I heard that you aren't actually supposed to use it on duct work, it's flammable or something.
Every time I see a new craft idea or something mentioning duct tape I recall something that happened many years ago. I think I have finally gotten to the point where I can laugh at myself, but I still cringe every single time I recall this event.
I just started dating my now husband, Military Dad, and we were invited to a wedding. My best friend from college was getting married and she wanted me to be a bridesmaid. Fortunately she has a level head and did not turn into those horror story bridezilla creatures. She even picked a wonderful bridesmaid dress that complimented everyone's color and size! Too good to be true, you are saying, but no really, she was an awesome bride!
After getting the dress altered and home, we discovered there was actually something wrong with the dress. How to wear a bra became a serious issue. Emails and phone calls were exchanged, discussing what might work and what didn't work. We all tried different types of bras, because of what we had lying around.
It was a halter-style dress, but not exactly. The halter top was just weird enough, you couldn't get away with wearing a halter-style bra. The open back of the dress was also curved weird so you couldn't wear a backless bra. Only one of the bridesmaids wasn't full figured, so she had no worries and went sans bra. So we did what normal people do...we put it off until the day before the wedding.
The day before had us trying those weird glue on cups, which didn't work. We even tried going sans bra, however once you are used to having the girls out on display, it gets kind of depressing to see them flatten and basically disappear. So that was not an option.
An idea was tossed into the mix about using duct tape. Evidently they had seen it on a show where models use all sorts of weird stuff to do their job. (Evidently, if you have puffy eyes from crying or lack of sleep, hemorrhoid cream will lessen the swelling. They didn't mention this, but I felt that I should point out, that I would make sure that was an unopened, virgin tube of butt cream, before I put it anywhere near my face!)
We went back and forth on this idea for awhile. Day of the wedding and we still haven't gotten anywhere in the boulder-holder department. While we were getting our hair beautified and what not, a bridesmaid walks in with duct tape and says, "Well, ladies?"
I should interrupt and mention, we were completely, horribly sober at this point.
Into the bathroom the three of us went. One girl cut strips of duct tape. One girl held her boobs into the optimum lift and separation position. The other poor girl slapped those strips of tape on. Then we switched.
Three out of four bridesmaids had the perkiest boobs ever! It was awesome, I was thinking of doing this daily. Hell, the cost of a roll of duct tape and the many applications I could get, per roll, is way cheaper than one decent bra!
Now we are all beautified and ready to get our bride hitched. We all walk out of the air conditioning and into the 95 degree, humid weather of a Missouri summer day, at 1:00 in the afternoon.
The wedding coordinator informed us that the wedding was now moved indoors due to the elderly people attending. Old people having heat stroke was not on our agenda. 30 minutes later we are dying of heat and humidity, because of course the wedding party has to wait outside the damn chapel place. This is the moment when the sweat dripping from our bodies makes us realize that duct tape, is NOT for everything.
Your body has one function in the heat; cool itself off. It sweats. Sweat evaporates and cools the body, except in the Midwest where the humidity prevents evaporation. It just becomes a sticky substance that won't go away.
The sweat is loosening the duct tape, securing our perkiness. This isn't a huge deal because that just means it will slip off, right?! No, your body also has tiny, little hairs all over. Those hairs may have mattered ions ago, but right now, they are the only thing holding that duct tape to our bodies. Gravity is trying to defy our perkiness, and with the sweat, it's winning. The duct tape is slowly, painfully starting to stretch down.
Our poor bride has no idea, that three of her four bridesmaids are idiots. (Well, at least not for this specific reason. She is friends with us after all.) She has no idea that we are all silently crying because the pain is rapidly increasing, to agonizing.
Wonderfully, it is a brief ceremony. We are all gathered for photos and then we are off to the reception, while the bride and groom take more photos. Like all smart bridesmaids, we head to the bar.
After a few drinks and the rest of the wedding formalities out of the way, I go to the restroom. I can no longer bare the pain. It feels as though my skin is being ripped from my chest. I gather my courage and barricade myself into a stall and attempt to rip it off.
OH MY GOD!
I managed to loosen a tiny corner. I have now come to terms that the duct tape is part of me until it falls off on its own. I make my way back to the table. The flat chested bridesmaid is out dancing and has no worries. One bridesmaid has left and gone to her room, and the remaining one is at the table with the same look I had on my face...BEFORE, I went to the bathroom.
Time passes and more drinks are consumed. Military Dad being the gentleman he is, offers to rip the duct tape off for me. A sound between a laugh and sobbing comes out. Before I know it, the remaining bridesmaid is dragging me to the bathroom.
While barricaded in a stall, she and I work out a deal to remove the duct tape. I will rip hers off, she will rip mine off. I was in so much pain, I volunteered to go first. Since I have no pain tolerance, this should tell you how much pain I was, in order to volunteer for more pain.
She, would on the count of 3, rip it off in one motion.
One....
Two....
RIP!
WTF happened to Three? Then a string of obscenities flew out of my mouth.
Her turn...on the count of 3...
One....
RIP!
I take vengeance very seriously. I got my "three" back!
I don't remember much after that. I remember having to get something to stop the blood flowing from where it actually ripped skin. I was horrified that through our stupidity (repeated) we had ruined our friend's wedding.
Somehow, we managed to keep this from her and 95% of the people at the wedding. Aside from the innocent victims in the restroom and the people sitting at our table, no one had a clue. She did find out later, as we each got a phone call...it was kind of hard to understand her opinion on the matter, because she was laughing so hard.
I also found out later, that the show on models did not mention that most of them wax or shave their whole freaking body, before they apply the duct tape. I never watched that show again. I still can't look at a roll of duct tape without pain coursing through my chest!
While it seems there a million uses for duct tape, here are two it is not approved for:
duct work
bras, any type imaginable!
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