Good Parenting

I always wonder if I'm hard on my kids. I have rules and expectations they need to follow on a daily basis. There are days when I believe that I am simply the worst parent alive, because I force my kids to mind their manners at the dinner table. Even if they're watching a movie with a meal, they have to sit correctly and use their silverware.

I often wonder if I'm not allowing them be kids and act crazy enough. I try to remember aspects of my childhood for comparison. However with two young children, I've firmly entrenched myself in the CRS (Can't Remember Shit) category.

Both my parents had full-time jobs, so during the day, I was taken care of by friends, grandma and/or school. I can't recall my parents yelling at me about my manners or for breaking small rules...I do remember some big ones and yes, I got a spanking or grounded when older. I do remember getting threatened a few times, but the threat was good enough for me. I think I just knew if I disappointed them I would pay for it later.

So how did my parents do it? I'm not exactly sure, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it fits with stopping after one child. Experience tells me one kid is much easier to control than two. Different personalities require finesse, you can't skate by using the all-encompassing, blanket approach.

I also think my parents were honest with me, which is hard to do with your kids. I remember a few times when I wanted a toy or something and my parents had to tell me no, because they couldn't afford it.

They also weren't afraid of causing a confrontation with me in public...if they were, it never occurred to my younger self. (Plus I'm pretty sure my mom enjoys confrontation with anyone...it's genetic, I have the same affliction.) If I started to throw a tantrum, they would ask me if I wanted an "altercation in the car". I wasn't exactly sure what that word meant, but I knew it was a big one and it meant leaving my current public situation and going to a quiet, alone situation.

I'm starting to think my parents were kick ass with playing head games! Wow, no wonder I am awesome with manipulation, thanks mom and dad! (When your grand-kids complain later in their life, you have no one to blame but yourselves!)

Why am I discussing this? 

I was a chaperon for a field trip to an amusement park with Princess' class. (Insert dramatic or scary music).

I experienced first hand how my kids:  treated adults with respect, how they stayed safe in their group, waited quietly while other kids finished their lunches, used "thank you" and "please," and most importantly, for my sanity, stayed within grabbing distance of me.

The other kids...let's just say, I was ready for a bottle of wine after 30 minutes.

I'm amazed with how kids (of all ages) speak to adults. I allow my kids to talk back to me in some cases (not arguments) but they understand they don't cross that line with other adults. If they do, they get "the look" and quickly apologize.

I'm also absolutely horrified when parents just let their kids run loose. Hopefully I'm just paranoid from watching too many episodes of CSI and SVU, but should you really be surprised when you can't find your kid after you're done updating FB?! Don't give me that "I took my eyes off for a second" crap! Either teach your kid to stay close or pay attention; everything else can wait. If you have choice between reading my blog or watching your kid, please stop reading now and spend some time with your kids, while they still like you.

I spent 4 hours of my life, that I won't ever get back, worrying about some other person's kids because they kept trying to run off by themselves. After constantly telling them to stay close, I was given attitude and dirty looks, "because their parents let them."

Unfortunately for the poor kids, I'm confrontational and extremely persistent. By the end of the day, we were all holding each other's hands and I believe I got a few "pleases," but they were mumbled so I'm not positive.

I'm also pretty sure when the kids went home I was reported as being mean and bossy. What I would love would be for the rest of the conversation to go like this:

Parent:  Why was she so mean and bossy?

Kid:  She wouldn't let me go where I wanted to!

Parent:  We're you going by yourself?

Kid:  Yes, they were slow.

Parent:  I see. What else?

Kid:  She told me something about how she'd appreciate it if I asked her instead of told her what I wanted. She also made me say "please" and "thank you." It was awful!

Dream Response A: Who was this wonderful person? Obviously she has worked wonders with you in a couple of hours, what we haven't been able to do with years! We should thank her and shower her with praise and adoration....

(actually I hate getting compliments, but the thought is wonderful, isn't it?)

Reality Response B: Well she does sound pretty awful. We'll make sure that the next field trip you get assigned someone else. Would you like us to buy you something for your troubles?

Part of me doesn't want to chaperon the next field trip, but the alternative is letting someone else's parent do it...which parent would I get?

I Say "Tomato", You Say "No, not that tomato a different one."

As I was forced to endure a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show (Little Dude got a haircut), a memory from my childhood popped in for a visit. This episode featured the characters of Chip'n Dale, the chipmunks. For some reason I absolutely loved these two characters when I was a child. I am even guilty of watching Chip'n Dale's Rescue Rangers cartoons after school. 

...insert the time warp thing with Wayne's World. (I may have just revealed my age)

When I was in elementary school, we lived in a duplex. I was fortunate to live right next door to my grandmother. After school I got to go to grandma's house, eat a snack and watch some television. I would lie on her floor with a huge pillow and watch The Wonderful World of Disney (reruns, I'm not old enough for the originals). After that, I usually had to sit through Jeopardy, then my parents would rescue me after the first few minutes of Mash. (She had her shows too, I guess).

Before we moved, I spent more time with my grandmother than most grand-kids get to, especially these days. She was a major part involved in my growing up. When I was with her during the school breaks, or anytime my parents had to work, she took me everywhere. We went to Salt Lake Trapper's games (minor league baseball team...I'm pretty sure their name has changed a few times since then). She even took me to Salt Lake Golden Eagle hockey games (another minor league team).

I have several memories of attending hockey games with her that make me smile and laugh. Looking back and realizing how rough hockey can be, I'm surprised my little ol' grandma both enjoyed and took her young grandchild to see the games.

One of my favorite memories involves both a hockey game and Chip'n Dale. Grandma came over to get me for the hockey game, but for some reason she stopped to have a conversation with my parents about the game. I, of course, listened in on their conversation. (This is the conversation I remember, since it was more than 25 years ago, please forgive me for any inaccuracies.)

Grandma: I wanted to talk to you about bringing her to tonight's game. Chip'n Dales are going to perform tonight, are you okay with me taking her?

Me interrupting: Chip'n Dale?! Awesome!!! Please, mom and dad, say yes!

Grandma: Uh, not Chip'n Dale. Not the Disney characters. It's the Chip'n Dales.

I'm pretty sure my mom laughed at this point. The conversation continued, but I wasn't listening because I was excited that Chip'n Dale were going to be at my hockey game. Yahoo!

When we got to the hockey game, I had never seen it this packed with people. The Golden Eagles were a pretty good team from what I remember, but the seats were never as full as they were that night. I also remember the crowd being mostly female, mostly in their 30's and 40's. There were very few kids.

First period goes by and this big floor mat thing is rolled out on the ice. I was kind of bummed because I thought Chip and Dale should skate out! I notice my grandma start to sink into her seat. At this point she has asked me several times if I had to go to the bathroom, wanted cotton candy, peanuts, anything to get me up and out of my seat. (Important note: my grandma bought me cotton candy once. That one time resulted in cotton candy everywhere and a shower to get it out of my hair, she refused.) No chance, was I missing the show!

The carpet is rolled out, the lights go down and then spotlights center on this guy in a suit. Music starts playing and the crowd (of women) start screaming and going nuts. The guy in the suit began removing articles of clothing, dancing and then he poured oil on himself. Needless to say, I stared, open-mouthed, in horror and curiosity. I remember my grandmother had tried to sink completely into her chair, as if trying to melt or turn into the chair, I'm not sure which. Her head hanging low, she asked if I finally wanted to go to the bathroom or anything.

I came back to my seat with a soda, nachos, cotton candy, red vines and a new lesson on Chippendales and how they are NOT the same as my beloved chipmunks.

Little Dude gives me a look into the future

Princess and I get along very well, however there are times when our personalities clash. She is entirely too smart for her own good and this usually causes me stress in some fashion. I can't remember the reason this time, however Princess and I were angry with each other. We all sat down at the kitchen table for a snack before rolling into nap time. (Princess' school has early release days, in which I insist the kids take a nap for my sanity.)

Normally I place myself between Princess and Little Dude at the table, otherwise it is usually fight central. Not fist fights; it's the whiny, annoying kind of fighting. However, this time Little Dude sat between Princess and I. He may only be 4, but he's perceptive, very perceptive. I guess he could feel the tension and he decided he wanted to change something.

"Sissy, I love you!"
At this point, Princess isn't responding so my glaring makes her respond, "I love you too brother."

"Mommy, I love you!"
"I love you too, Little Dude."

Several moments pass in silence.

"SISSY!"
"What?!"
"TELL MOMMY YOU LOVE HER!"

I hate to admit, that in her silence, my first thought was: I am going to be the better person here...first.
"I love you Princess."
"I love you too, mommy."

Then for some reason, we all just start laughing. Evidently Little Dude has the same ability to sense anger or stress like Military Dad does. The only difference is, Little Dude hasn't figured out the power he now has. Military Dad can diffuse my anger or stress very well, with a simple, frustrating comment. He makes me choose whether I want to still be angry over something stupid, or try not to laugh. Trust me, trying not to laugh is much harder than being (or continuing to act) angry!

This is the point where I had a sobering thought that this scene would happen again and not too far off in the future. Princess at some point is going to start getting crazier, as all pre-adolescent girls do. I'm not about to let things slide, or whatever adults are supposed to do with their kids acting nutso.

I saw ourselves sitting at that exact table going through this whole episode again. Military Dad threatens he will volunteer for deployments when she hits a certain age and our cycles sync up. So, I guess it's nice to know that since Little Dude will be held hostage in a house with two crazy people, he will be able to diffuse most situations. He's even good at disappearing when he knows stuff is about to hit the fan. (Normally, started by his actions.)

Being a great photographer isn't easy, being a horrible one...

I love taking pictures of people and landscapes. I am very comfortable BEHIND the camera, it is where I can be myself. Evidently I have a natural ability to take good photos. I was not aware that I had this ability until I met my husband. It just isn't one of his strengths.

Today at Princess' softball game we received the pictures that a company took of the team on opening day. I wasn't real impressed with their skills the day of the photo shoot, so I didn't have high hopes when I got the pictures back. I wasn't disappointed....with myself.

I understand you have a lot of teams, with a lot of girls to get in line, ready for photo, picture taken, then the team photo. I realize there is stress with getting the job done quickly. However, I also expect some quality photos taken if you label yourself a professional.

First issue was that they wanted the girl's individual photo to be a pose with them holding a bat. Some girls didn't have a bat, so they had to borrow a bat from a team member. We aren't talking brand new, photogenic, bats. So my daughter has an individual softball photo with a dirty, dented bat. So it maybe looks authentic, but not photogenic.

First tip for aspiring photographers:  if you want to pose the kids with a prop, spend the money and buy brand new props. The photos will speak for themselves!

Second issue was they took the photos on the outside of the fields. A place surrounded by houses and odds and ends. Therefore my daughter has a house sticking out of her left ear, a weird shadow cutting her image in half and a tree over her other shoulder.

Second tip for aspiring photographers: actually look in your viewfinder at the entire picture. Imagine taking a picture of a tree in the middle of the forest. You need to stop a second and look past the lone tree and take in the forest behind it. Make sure nothing funky will end up in the image.

Third issue is make sure the person in your photo looks good. I'm not talking they need to be a model. I'm talking about noticing things like their hat or collar being crooked, their tie needs to be straightened, they have food on their face (kid problem, trust me), etc. You guessed it, Princess' hat is all weird on her head. I was trying to help, but I was glared at for interfering so I had to step away and just hope the image would turn out decent. I should have ignored it and fixed the issues, I am paying for these images after all.

Third tip for aspiring photographers:  as you are checking your image, make sure the person's clothing isn't jacked up; if it is, fix it.

Fourth tip:  if you have someone willing to help with the image, use them, direct them. It makes things easier on you, because you don't have to step away from the image. It also makes the parent feel involved and will get them on your side when you need their kid to stop picking their nose or looking the wrong direction. You can't yell at their kids, but they can! Enlist their help, it pays off in the end.

Fourth issue was the team photo. I should just mention I had issues and stop numbering them, I guess. I did get involved with this and put my foot down and became "that" mom, so the team photo didn't turn out too bad (other than the house sticking out of their head). The photographers set up their camera so they had a great backdrop for the team photo. Hey, at least they thought this one out. The problem was that now the girls and coaches were looking directly into the sun. That trick about having kids close their eyes and on the count of 3, they all open them and you take a wonderful photo....that's dumb. Not only do you irritate your subject with momentary blindness, your image won't look natural. I've seen some of the weirdest expressions when kids are made to look directly into the sun. Plus, there will be one or two kids that will tell you that their moms told them not to look into the sun, so just avoid it.

Fortunately, the team banner was reflecting the sun so well that it was messing with the photographer's flash (which I'm not sure why she needed it, since she was further from her subject than the flash could actually light up). After moving the kids so the sun was coming directly from the sides, we took the team photo. Yay, harsh side lighting and a house and a fence sticking out of their heads on the left.

Fifth tip:  never have your subject look into the sun. They get pissy and the lighting won't look natural. Plus the expression you get will more than likely ensure that there is no repeat business. The best lighting is sun or light coming in at a 45 degree angle to your subject. It lights up the subject without harsh angles.

Sixth tip:  take your time on individual photos. Team photos you do not have this luxury. You have a group of people that all have different comfort and attention levels. Quicker is better. Have a game plan in mind and having an assistant that doesn't take crap can make the difference. With kids you need to have a sense of humor or be able to capture their attention at a single moment. They ALL need to look at the lens at the same time AND smile at the same time. 


Now that I have that off my chest I feel slightly better. It's sucks that I paid for them in the first place, but at least I got to complain about them. Princess just had her spring photos taken at school, so when those come in you will probably get another post.

If you have any questions about photography I would love to answer them. Unlike the above ranting, I'm actually quite helpful with photography concerns. I just get frustrated when "professionals" don't act or take pictures like they should.

Emotions - Ugh!

There are times during a military family's life that sadness just can't be put off anymore. Deployments, shorter underways, even just weekly travel can finally stop a family from its normal routine. The secret to a successful military family is routine. As soon as you establish a routine, and stick to it, it makes the time pass quicker and easier, so it seems. However, if anything messes with that routine in the simplest of ways, it can bring up the emotions that everyone is desperately trying to push aside. For those psychological people out there, it may not seem healthy, but it works.

Several weeks ago, Little Dude drew a picture of himself at school. This was nothing unusual. Normally I get stick figures of varying family members and sometimes a monster throw in. (Not a mean monster, just a monster.) Evidently this picture would be different.

The teacher met me at the classroom door as I picked up Little Dude and asked me how everything was going. Red flags and little alarms went off in my head, but I wasn't sure why.

"How is Little Dude doing at home?"
"Fine, he's a little temperamental sometimes, but I'm thinking it's because he's that age."
"How is he dealing with Military Dad being gone?"
"Oh. This is the first time in his life that Military Dad has been away from our house. So he's dealing pretty well, considering. Is he doing alright in class?"
"He is doing fine, he just seemed not his self today. Just withdrawn."

Little Dude comes running up to me and we say good-bye and head home. At home, I finally open his drawing and understand the teacher's conversation.

Little Dude, unlike Princess does not delve into his feelings, or even want to talk about them. So talking to him about daddy being gone is a bit more complicated. However, when I finally pushed that magic button that got him to talk this is what I learned.

"Can you explain your picture?"
"That's me. I'm sad."
"Why are you sad?"
"I think I wanted to be sad then."
"Are you sad now?"
"No. I missed daddy, but now I want a snack."

Evidently, things aren't that complicated I guess. Princess can be amaze me like this too.


Today the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) at Princess' school held a special breakfast called, "Dads and Donuts." Students brought their dads, uncles, brothers or grandfathers for a donut and coffee, the breakfast of champions. This morning was supposed to be fun for Princess and her dad, a special moment.

A couple of weeks ago we got the form inviting our family to join in "Dads and Donuts." They had a similar event earlier in the year called, "Moms and Muffins." You fill out the form, instructing them how many people will be attending and your drink of choice, then include $1 for every family member. Princess' excitement was palpable and she kept asking daily if I'd turned in the form. It took me two weeks to figure out how I felt about substituting my husband for this event.

Part of me didn't want to go because I didn't want to be one of the few mom's showing up without a "dad." It wasn't pride or anything, I just didn't want to be reminded that part of my family wasn't there. Princess was insistent though, so I felt rather forced into going. I even thought about taking them out for donuts for breakfast that morning, instead of going to the PTO sponsored event.

I'm not sure what clicked, but something inside me was angry with how I put this off. My daughter wants to go to a father/daughter event and isn't going to let it bother her, that it's her mom she's bringing. She seems to be pretty proud of me, so why should I act differently? In my true argumentative fashion I wore a shirt that made a statement, just begged someone to look at me or judge me for going to a dad event.

My shirt said "Navy Wife." I decided that instead of being sad my husband was off busting his butt for our family, I was going to be proud of us! I stood in that long line of other dads with my shirt blazing and my head held high!

"Hey, mom?"
"Yes, Princess?"
"Can we not tell dad we went to this?"

And then my head held high, my shirt blazing, all that just screeched to a dead stop.

"Uh..."
"I miss him so much and I don't want him to be sad that he missed this."
"Um..."
"I know he wants to be here, but can't. I don't want to make him feel worse."

Who is this child? This is a six year old child...six year old...child, who has a better grasp on our situation than I do some days.

"Princess, I don't think we have to keep this secret from him. I'm really proud of you when you think of others like this. Your daddy will be so proud of you!"
"Can we take a picture and send it to him then?"
"Of course!"


Evidently the important thing to take away from this post is it's okay to feel sad. My kids have moments where they let the sadness come in, they deal with it and then they let it go. It amazes me the power that kids have. They have the power to deal with their emotions, as long as you let them figure out how and then leave them alone long enough to deal with it. After the moment is gone, make sure you talk to them and let them know they're fine and they dealt with it great.  (Disclaimer:  if you have a child that is hitting things or people, then you may need to get involved. Evidently there's some research out there that says aggressive kids need help channeling their emotions in different ways. If they learn other ways to deal with things than anger, they are better equipped later in life to deal with their emotions.) 

My kids are teaching me that they do need me to be a strong parent, however they also need to know that I'm feeling the same way they are. Plus it's a relief when I can cry a little with my kids and they won't think any less of me.

More often I think, they will think better of you, because you are going through the same things.

Dinnertime is a changing!

Meal times are supposed to be this wonderful gathering of people over food. People eating together and having conversations during the meal. Norman Rockwell paintings comes to mind when I see the perfect family sitting down to a meal.

Then I remember that my kids are not in that mental imagery and the fighting begins.

Normal statements my daughter will hear during a meal:

"Would you slow down, you're going to choke....or hoark!"
"Please sit down!" or "Please sit still!"
"Chew! Chew your food please! Do I have to make you chew it 20 times before you swallow?"
"Breathe please!"
"Please don't talk with food in your mouth, please!"
"People with manners use their forks (spoons)." Alternately, "Please stop using your hands, we have forks/spoons."

As you can tell, Princess also inhales what she eats. Literally, stops breathing to shove food in her mouth, chew and then upon swallowing, will finally inhale. I have seen this child actually two-fist a California sushi roll.

Normal statements my son will hear during a meal:

"Stop playing with your food and eat."
"No, you are not done eating, you have to eat more (insert random food here)."
"6 more bites and you can be done."
"No you can't have dessert, you haven't finished dinner yet!"
"Eat please!"

As you can tell, Little Dude is the complete opposite. Little Dude is one of the most frustrating children, in my opinion, to feed. He's what I like to call a grazer. If he were allowed to graze all day long, he would. He would love to snack every hour, if allowed.

On one side of the table, I'm telling one child to stop eating so fast, and on the other, I'm begging the other child to please eat something. Obviously meals are not my favorite thing. They are stressful because I'm worried my son isn't eating enough. I'm also worried that at some point I'm going to have to perform the Heimlich on my daughter. So I've decided that since meals suck, we're going to do things differently.

How do you things differently when everything you ever learned is centered around 3 big meals, daily? I grew up knowing that some poor kid in pretty much any other country was starving, so I had to finish my food or...I never got the last part because I was thinking of ways to trying to convince my parents to FedEx that 5 bean soup, cabbage or corned beef. Also if I didn't eat all my dinner, I sure in hell wasn't getting dessert.

Since I have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) I have done tons of research on blood sugar levels. I am continually told to eat at least 5 times a day and forego the big heavy meals. The smaller meals, spread throughout the day, actually does a better job at maintaining blood sugar levels than anything else I've read. Interestingly enough, when you maintain your blood sugar levels, you eat less on average.

Wait! What was that? How does eating all day, make me eat less?

Yep, eating smaller meals that are nutrient dense (and high in fiber), we aren't talking chocolate chip cookies here, will maintain your blood sugar. Seriously simplified, when you feel hungry it's because your blood sugar level is low (if you aren't diabetic). Also, if you aren't eating often, you tend to want to eat bigger meals because you feel like you're starving. So instead of eating a small 2-300 calorie meal, you head over to your favorite fast food joint and super-size it...normally around 1000 calories. When you feel like you are starving, you shove food in your mouth, like Princess does. 30 minutes after you're done and your stomach has caught up to all the food, how do you feel? Same as Princess does, "Mommy, my tummy hurts, I think I ate too much!"

It seems Little Dude has the right idea; graze all day. So if it's great for me, why shouldn't I start my kids on this wonderful path of eating better? It's rhetorical, continue reading.

Instead of 3 big meals I'm going to break the meals into smaller parts. Veggies are the easiest thing to move around, because raw veggies can be edible in a few minutes. If my kids want a snack right before dinner, I look at what our menu says, pull out the veggies and dish them up. For dinner, I make sure they have a second serving of veggies, a small carbohydrate and enough protein. Smaller servings are also key here. Give them a little and more than likely they will ask for seconds. Or, for once, they will finish their meal without asking!

The hardest part will be letting them decide how much food they want to eat. If Little Dude says he's full, then I have to realize he may eat later. I'm obviously not going to feed him dessert, but I will let him eat his dinner later if he's hungry.

Hopefully, allowing Princess to snack before dinner will slow her down during dinner. I think I force her into a starving situation, because I don't want to ruin her dinner, by letting her eat an hour ahead of time.

Ultimately, I'd rather put the food in the middle of the table, let them dish out what they want to eat and then just sit and have a conversation around the meal. It will take some time, but I think for my sanity and my kid's health, it's probably a good idea.