Emotions - Ugh!

There are times during a military family's life that sadness just can't be put off anymore. Deployments, shorter underways, even just weekly travel can finally stop a family from its normal routine. The secret to a successful military family is routine. As soon as you establish a routine, and stick to it, it makes the time pass quicker and easier, so it seems. However, if anything messes with that routine in the simplest of ways, it can bring up the emotions that everyone is desperately trying to push aside. For those psychological people out there, it may not seem healthy, but it works.

Several weeks ago, Little Dude drew a picture of himself at school. This was nothing unusual. Normally I get stick figures of varying family members and sometimes a monster throw in. (Not a mean monster, just a monster.) Evidently this picture would be different.

The teacher met me at the classroom door as I picked up Little Dude and asked me how everything was going. Red flags and little alarms went off in my head, but I wasn't sure why.

"How is Little Dude doing at home?"
"Fine, he's a little temperamental sometimes, but I'm thinking it's because he's that age."
"How is he dealing with Military Dad being gone?"
"Oh. This is the first time in his life that Military Dad has been away from our house. So he's dealing pretty well, considering. Is he doing alright in class?"
"He is doing fine, he just seemed not his self today. Just withdrawn."

Little Dude comes running up to me and we say good-bye and head home. At home, I finally open his drawing and understand the teacher's conversation.

Little Dude, unlike Princess does not delve into his feelings, or even want to talk about them. So talking to him about daddy being gone is a bit more complicated. However, when I finally pushed that magic button that got him to talk this is what I learned.

"Can you explain your picture?"
"That's me. I'm sad."
"Why are you sad?"
"I think I wanted to be sad then."
"Are you sad now?"
"No. I missed daddy, but now I want a snack."

Evidently, things aren't that complicated I guess. Princess can be amaze me like this too.


Today the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) at Princess' school held a special breakfast called, "Dads and Donuts." Students brought their dads, uncles, brothers or grandfathers for a donut and coffee, the breakfast of champions. This morning was supposed to be fun for Princess and her dad, a special moment.

A couple of weeks ago we got the form inviting our family to join in "Dads and Donuts." They had a similar event earlier in the year called, "Moms and Muffins." You fill out the form, instructing them how many people will be attending and your drink of choice, then include $1 for every family member. Princess' excitement was palpable and she kept asking daily if I'd turned in the form. It took me two weeks to figure out how I felt about substituting my husband for this event.

Part of me didn't want to go because I didn't want to be one of the few mom's showing up without a "dad." It wasn't pride or anything, I just didn't want to be reminded that part of my family wasn't there. Princess was insistent though, so I felt rather forced into going. I even thought about taking them out for donuts for breakfast that morning, instead of going to the PTO sponsored event.

I'm not sure what clicked, but something inside me was angry with how I put this off. My daughter wants to go to a father/daughter event and isn't going to let it bother her, that it's her mom she's bringing. She seems to be pretty proud of me, so why should I act differently? In my true argumentative fashion I wore a shirt that made a statement, just begged someone to look at me or judge me for going to a dad event.

My shirt said "Navy Wife." I decided that instead of being sad my husband was off busting his butt for our family, I was going to be proud of us! I stood in that long line of other dads with my shirt blazing and my head held high!

"Hey, mom?"
"Yes, Princess?"
"Can we not tell dad we went to this?"

And then my head held high, my shirt blazing, all that just screeched to a dead stop.

"Uh..."
"I miss him so much and I don't want him to be sad that he missed this."
"Um..."
"I know he wants to be here, but can't. I don't want to make him feel worse."

Who is this child? This is a six year old child...six year old...child, who has a better grasp on our situation than I do some days.

"Princess, I don't think we have to keep this secret from him. I'm really proud of you when you think of others like this. Your daddy will be so proud of you!"
"Can we take a picture and send it to him then?"
"Of course!"


Evidently the important thing to take away from this post is it's okay to feel sad. My kids have moments where they let the sadness come in, they deal with it and then they let it go. It amazes me the power that kids have. They have the power to deal with their emotions, as long as you let them figure out how and then leave them alone long enough to deal with it. After the moment is gone, make sure you talk to them and let them know they're fine and they dealt with it great.  (Disclaimer:  if you have a child that is hitting things or people, then you may need to get involved. Evidently there's some research out there that says aggressive kids need help channeling their emotions in different ways. If they learn other ways to deal with things than anger, they are better equipped later in life to deal with their emotions.) 

My kids are teaching me that they do need me to be a strong parent, however they also need to know that I'm feeling the same way they are. Plus it's a relief when I can cry a little with my kids and they won't think any less of me.

More often I think, they will think better of you, because you are going through the same things.