It's about to get real....

It's about to get real....depressing.

Yep, shore duty is coming to an end. For those non-military spouses, that means every once in awhile the military rewards us with 2-3 years where our spouses get to stay home and work somewhat normal hours. In other words no week to month underways or 6-9 month deployments. Our spouses actually get to have that "normal" workweek, where they go to work....and then they come home the same exact evening...at a decent time!!!

Cynicism aside, I have truly enjoyed the last four years. Yep, four years. We milked this thing for all it was worth! My husband was extremely lucky in this, normal shore tours are 2-3 years long. Now as I start my lists and checklists to make sure he has everything he needs, it gets hard not to stop and think about what I am actually doing.

I am gathering my husband's stuff and getting ready to send him packing for almost 8 months without a second thought. Denial is a wonderful tool to get you through some things. The problem is when denial lets you down for that split second, your mind takes off and sends you spiraling down this rabbit hole. This rabbit hole comes complete with two completely different sides, depending on where you bounce. You either land on the "feel sorry for me" side or the "I have no reason to complain" side. There is no falling straight down, like Alice does in "Alice in Wonderland."

What normally happens when you are packing away his uniforms or artwork from the kids, you stop and think, "Why the hell am I packing his stuff up so he can leave easier?" It isn't that you are resenting doing the work, it's asking yourself, "why do I have to send my husband away? and more importantly, why do I have to act like it doesn't bother me?!"

The making lists and checklists, the actual sorting and packing his things; this busy work helps keep me occupied and out of the rabbit hole. I find myself cleaning for no apparent reason, organizing random things that have already been organized (twice), almost to the point of exhaustion, in order to not think about what happens next week.

Then that one moment sneaks in and you stop the mindless work and you get to take that trip down the rabbit hole. You start looking around at your kids and their pictures, your husband's things, and wondering why you have to be the one that gives this up. Why do you and your kids have to deal with this when 95% of the population doesn't have to?

Then the tears come, which of course, you need to hide from your kids so you don't upset them. You need to be strong for everyone in this family. A lot rests on your shoulders, and even more will be placed on them as you become a single parent for several months. It's a huge load, it really is. You are now firmly on the pity-me side of the rabbit hole.

This side only lasts long enough for you to stop crying and think one thought, "Thankfully he isn't going into combat." With that single thought you are now firmly entrenched on the "I don't deserve to feel bad" side.

Now you are no longer worthy of feeling sorry for yourself, because your spouse is only going to school on the other coast for 7 months. You will be able to call him, email him and Skype him daily, if possible. Then you start thinking that even if he was being deployed he still wouldn't be in AS much danger as the soldiers or infantrymen going into combat. What the hell would you say to those spouses as you cry your tears of pity?!

The tears are gone and anger gets you through the rest of packing, cleaning, detailing your car, gardening, etc. It's awful, but it works. You never really get mental peace, but the crying stops, so you can be strong for those who need you to be strong for them.


I just needed to vent and let some people understand what military spouses go through, mentally. I can't imagine what the kids go through. I do know several "military brats" that grew up normal though, so I have hope. I also realize that their mothers or fathers probably went through the same stuff and did their best to shelter their kids. However, the thought of reading Princess' thoughts when Military Dad gets ready for deployments would probably undo me completely. Ignorance, truly is bliss sometimes.

Any military spouses out there reading this, I salute you with a glass of wine, "Let our trip down the rabbit hole be short, and let all our spouses come home early and safe!