Haunted Houses

Being completely honest, I don't like Halloween much. I already came equipped with an incredibly overactive imagination. I don't need someone else to scare the crap out of me, I do it just fine on my own! After having kids, my imagination has taken on an entirely different level of horror. (Evidently, most parents have these horrifying thoughts, so I feel slightly better....though not much.)

After blocking most of this memory from my childhood, I will do my best to share a story my dad takes pride in retelling with the Haunted Mansion at Disney Land. Evidently before the ride even officially started, I managed to work myself out from the safety bar and hid on the bottom of the car floor. After getting my dad yelled at for allowing me to work magic and get out of that intricate safety restraint device, I promised to sit nicely for the costumed person working the ride. The one and only time I opened my eyes, after begging from my dad, an apparition of a werewolf was sitting on my lap. I was glad my parents couldn't afford all the drinks I begged for at that point, because I would have emptied my bladder and upset the worker further.

Another horrifying moment in my young impressionable life was when I was trick-or-treating. For some reason my dad couldn't come, so my mom took me. This involved only going to houses she knew were safe and well-lit. My mom has some paranoia issues. One of the last houses we stopped at, had this stuffed gorilla sitting on a porch bench. Yes, I realize you know where this is going, however I was probably 4 or 5. Either my mom didn't register the stuffed gorilla or she knew, which is much worse, but she walked right up and rang the doorbell for me. I wasn't going near the porch swing. The nice lady offered me candy, however I had to walk to her door to get it from her. Candy to a 4 year old will take your mind off about anything. So up I walked, forgetting all about the damn porch swing. I didn't even get my candy and the guy probably coughed or something, hell, he may have even said "hello," I flew off the porch and didn't stop running until I was safely across the street. My mom and I walked home after that, however we had to stop every few minutes so my mom could wipe the tears from her face and catch her breathe from laughing so hard.

I've gone to a few haunted houses since then and it always seems to happen that I am the one they pick on. Yes, I realize that the one time I went to Six Flags I wore a glow-in-the-dark Phantom of the Opera shirt, so yes, that time I had it coming. However the other times, I feel that I was singled out to be terrorized.

Once during my senior year in high school or my freshmen year in college I wanted to go to a haunted house in St. Louis. It wasn't necessarily in the best part of St. Louis and since my parents worked there at the time, I felt safer if one of them went along. So with a group of my friends and my mother (my dad refused to go) we went off to a haunted house. That year the guy who did the monster designs for the Predator and Alien movies, supposedly worked with this haunted house, so it was supposed to be extra scary.

During the hour wait my mother took the time to prepare me by bringing my attention to the fact that it's just people in costumes and props. There was also something about mind over matter.

After waiting for an hour in line we approached the beginning of the door. My mom and I were "volunteered" to be first through, so we sat back and watched the other victims go through first.  We watched as a guy on the other side of the curtain brought down a large stick, and whacked it on the floor before you went through. My mom leans in to me and says, "Watch, the guy waits until you aren't paying attention, then he brings the stick down. It is just a way to get you unsettled." Oh my god, my mom is a genius! I am now in awe of her wisdom and have this new found bravery. This haunted house is NOT going to scare me!

We finally make it up to the door, my mom starts looking around at other things. I am ever-vigilant, I will NOT allow this guy to catch me off guard  He didn't either....he waited for my mom. He brought that stick down so hard I thought he broke the thing. I am amazed with myself, but I hear this screaming and I am horrified that it might be me. Wait a second....it's not me, I turn and look at my mother, who at this point is leaning back, hands up in the "FREEZE" position, screaming bloody hell. She is now what we would call "unsettled."

Our group of 7 is moved forward and I am literally pushing her through the maze of darkness. She is alternately screaming and saying "no, no" but we are pushing through. A guy dressed up as the Hellraiser dude comes out of some hidden door that my mom didn't see. She almost runs right into him, sees him, screams and then runs to the back of our group. Alone, I continue on until I realize my mom is now running back to the front....screaming. The same guy who scared her in the front, got her again in the back of the group. At this point, all I can do is laugh...hysterically.

Several more costumed characters give her some exercise when we finally reach the room the Alien movie guy helped with. You walk into a square room that has a huge statue of the Alien in a corner. You are meant to walk around him and go through the opposite door. My mom finally has a chance to catch her breath, as this room is well-lit, so she can see all the threats coming. She leans into me and says, "See this room, you are supposed to stare at this stupid statue while someone comes through that other door and scares the s*&% out of you!" So while she watches the opposite door, we watch with fascination as the huge Alien statue is slowly leaning forward. It's animatronic, so the rest of us know that it can't really go anywhere. What you don't realize is that my ever-vigilant mother decided the best place to keep look-out was directly in front of the Alien.

"Um, Mom....check out the Alien thing, it's moving." My mom turns and looks, at this moment the Alien opens its mouth like in the movie and that thing inside launches out! My mom loses it, screams and runs away through the opposite door. A friend of mine walks up to me and says, "Wow! I have never seen an old lady run so fast!"

We do our best to keep up with my mom, but our entire group at this point is laughing hysterically. I am laughing so hard that I am crying and coughing because I cannot get air into my lungs. The Hellraiser guy comes out of another hidden door to see if I'm okay, or if I need medical help. My mom notices him and runs away screaming. I convince the guy that I am in fact okay and he then looks at me and asks, "Is she going to be okay?"

We finally get to the end of the maze where you go down a slide and then you are done. I decide my poor mom has had enough at this point, so I volunteer to go first. I slide down into a pit filled with fluffy stuff and a guy in a costume helps me up and out of the pit. Here comes my mom....screaming.

The nice costumed employee reaches down to help her out of the pit, but she is batting away his hands and screaming.

"Mom! We're done, it's over, he's trying to help you out of the pit!"

After saying good-bye to my friends, my mother turns to me and says, "Well, that was fun! I will NEVER go with you to a haunted house again."
At this point, I take the opportunity to be a smart a## and say, "What happened to the mind over matter thing?" She gave me a look at which, I thought it best to shut my mouth.

I think this one wonderful experience with my mother, more than repaid the gorilla experience. I realize that this one time was a fluke and I still could not go through another haunted house with that much success.

I just hope that my kids will ask their father to go with them through the haunted houses, I'm not even going to pretend I'm brave enough to go again. I also appreciate the extreme entertainment my mother gave me that night and will do my best to not repeat that for my children.