And now there are three....

In my last post I discussed the wonderful feelings that go along with being a military spouse as you get ready for deployment time. They suck, plain and simple. It's hard getting ready for your loved one to leave. The hardest part is the day of departure.

The day Military Dad has to leave, we go through our morning routine as usual. Kids are dressed and fed breakfast. During a few moments, I can tell Military Dad is about to break down, so I keep him and the kids busy with tiny distractions. I'm not sure why I do this. Part of me questions whether "protecting" the kids from seeing their father upset about leaving, is even a good thing. Yes, it would upset them, but would it be that bad? Wouldn't they want to know that this isn't easy for him? Wouldn't they want to know that leaving them is breaking his heart? So, I'm not entirely sure who I'm "protecting" at this point, MD, me or them?

At one point, he pulls me aside and says, "I don't know how you can be so strong?!"

Really? I'm going nutso on the inside, so now I'm confused as to how I look on the outside, because somehow I look like I have it all together. Yay?


We decided he would wait until the kids were both in school before he would start his trip. Fortunately, I guess, the kids didn't really react the way we thought they would. We were prepared for anguish, crying and having to tear kids off Daddy. Little Dude hugged him and went off to reading circle in preschool, without a tear or look back. Princess got attacked by all of her little friends at school; somehow, despite our genetics, she seems to be a "popular" child. Daddy barely got a hug good-bye, before she was pulled off in the other direction.

We were left rather empty after both kids. No drama at all. In the long run, I think that was the best way; however, when you are prepared for the worst, it kind of comes as a let down.

Everything is packed into the car, and one last check to make sure he has everything he needs...now it is finally that time. This is honestly the worst part in all of this. I have to break the hug, watch him get into the car and drive away. After this, it will actually seem easier because you get into a rhythm and days can drift by. However, the good-bye, right before, is awful.

Sitting here typing this it actually takes me back to two previous deployments and a multitude of underways. (Underways are short periods, usually 1 week up to 3 months). Watching him drive away was actually much easier than watching him deploy on a ship. Deploying on a ship takes HOURS. You may think that makes it easier, because you get to see him and say good-bye longer. It doesn't. It allows you MUCH more time to wallow in pain and self-pity. Plus there are several good-bye periods when they leave on the ship.

The first good-bye is pretty hard because it's the physical one. This is the hugging part, where you break the hug and watch him walk to the ship. Then you keep waving to each other, as he boards the ship. Now comes a period where he disappears for awhile. This is usually where the sailors go to their bunks/rooms and change into their uniforms. MD always wore his "whites" when he deployed.

If you are lucky, now you get to wave at your sailor for more time as they stand on the various decks available on the ship. If your sailor has any involvement in the steering (they call it driving, which is nuts-don't get me started on Navy terms or acronyms, that's an entirely different blog) or engineering sections, you may not get to see them, as they are rather important in the actual departing from the pier.

Now the engines start up, the ship blows its horn, and the lines (ropes) are thrown. This is when your heart leaps from that nice spot in your chest, up into your throat. The ship starts to actually pull away from the pier. This is when you look around and notice the difference between the first-timer spouses and the ones who have done this before. The first-timers aren't able to hide their tears; they are going between bawling and hysterics. The spouses who have been there, done that, are wiping away tears they allow to fall, underneath their sunglasses (yes, it's probably dark outside, but they don't care). Then they take those deep breaths and walk to their cars, usually dragging 2-3 kids.

First-timers, I'm not making fun of the water works, I was there and I waited until I couldn't see that stupid ship on the horizon, before I left. The only difference, is now I know how much easier it is to deal with stuff if I get onto a schedule. Also, if anyone tries to have a conversation with one of those "experienced" spouses, it will end badly. We may look all tough and composed, but if you try to talk to us about our spouse leaving, wow.....flood gate of emotion, snot and tears. We keep sane by the mantra: "out of sight, out of mind." Also, lots of wine.

It's been two days and I'm finally to the point of having a decent conversation with someone without crying. The sunglasses are still on, but hey, at least I'm not tearing up anymore.

Having a conversation with Little Dude's teacher nearly broke me when I picked him up that afternoon. I forgot to leave my sunglasses on! She asked how I was doing, which was awful (for me, not her-she was showing concern which any other day, I would appreciate)...I could answer yes/no questions, not talk about my feelings. I quickly put my sunglasses on and somehow managed to get through the rest of the conversation.

I have to get a handle on it, because I volunteer in Princess' class on Friday. If her class does that switch rooms thing, there will be a solid 4 minutes where she can ask me how things are going! So I will end here for now, so I can get immersed into my schedule.

Plus I think our wine fridge is running quite low....Trader Joe's here I come!

I am NOT a Navy Wife...okay, yes I am.

Before I had children, I was uncomfortable being labeled a "Navy Wife."  I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. Maybe it was because I'm introverted, I don't like groups or because I didn't like being instantly labeled before people met me.

During my husband's ROTC years, I was that career driven person who was independent, blah, blah. After he graduated, we move from the college ROTC Navy atmosphere to the "real" Navy in Norfolk, VA. He was previously enlisted before he picked up a Navy scholarship, so he knew what to expect.  I had no idea what I was in for, so I went along in my own lovely reality for awhile. 

The first time I set foot in a Military Treatment Facility (MTF), I was unprepared to say the least.  Filling out the forms were what shocked me the most.  I remember sitting there asking Military Dad what "spouse #" meant.  I thought they had found I was born in Utah and they were asking about the whole Mormon polygamy thing.  I was about to start yelling about being profiled, when he informed me on how most military marriages don't last and people tend to remarry a few times (3 was a spouse # option).  Being told in a document that my new marital bliss was doomed to fail was an awakening. 

Weeks went by and I did my best to deal with this situation.  Then Military Dad got the news he would be deploying for 6 months with only 3 months notice.  During those 3 months he worked 16 hour days (6 or 7 days a week) or was underway (out to sea for a few days) while they got the ship ready.  I'm an only child, so I was able to find a daily routine and keep myself sane.  This daily routine saved me during the actual deployment.  I was also very fortunate to have been working, so I was able to make a few wonderful and very supportive friends before he had to deploy.

I was also pregnant with Princess during this first deployment.  His command did their best to get him home for her birth, by sending him to a school in Rhode Island.  However, Princess would not be rushed, she came 6 days later, and by that time, he was stateside, but hundreds of miles away.

Deployment #2 came 6 months later.  At the end of that deployment, he transferred to a new ship that was just getting ready to leave, so Deployment #3 followed shortly afterwards. All in all, he made 3 deployments in less than 2 years.

The supportive friends I made, were also military families, and they all moved during Deployment #2 to their new duty stations.  That was the toughest one.  I was all alone in a strange state with no support system and a 6 month old little girl.  So deployment #3 resulted in me quitting my job and moving back home with my parents to get help raise Princess.

Seven months later, Princess and I moved back to Virginia when his ship returned. Shortly afterwards, we found out that Deployment #4 was looming.  Fortunately shore duty was close enough that he didn't have to go on that one.

Now, 4 years later,  we are nearing the end of our shore duty time and that sea duty experience is always in the back of my mind.  However, now I have 2 children who have to experience this.  Princess will know what's going on, but I'm not sure how she'll deal with it.  She was young enough that she probably doesn't remember the first times he had to leave.  Little Dude has had Daddy home his entire life, so I'm honestly scared to think about how he'll react.  Just for a second, a split second, I start to think how I'd react and the tears well up.  Then that feeling of having to take care of someone other than myself automatically kicks in and both that split second and the tears are gloriously gone.

This is when I realize with pride, that yes, I'm a Navy Wife.  We do what we have to, in order to keep the family functioning and healthy, including the deployed spouse and their extended family. This job requires you to become a "single" parent:  paying the bills, buying groceries, fixing the water heater, etc.  The job also requires you to maintain a certain decorum and not slap/yell at someone who cannot comprehend what you're going through when they say "Wow, I'd love it if my husband/wife left for a few months!"  (I beg everyone, please don't say this EVER to a military spouse, it is truly a thin thread we hang on to that holds us together.)

Now, I'm very happy to be labeled and put in the Navy Wife category.  It's definitely one of the craziest group of people I'd belong to!  (No seriously, it's a group of crazy people-who else would repeatedly do this crap with a smile?)  It takes a group of special people to become and stay military spouses.  A military spouse has to put their careers and other things on hold because the military job comes first.  They have a job with very large risks and very little reward, other than what we can create for ourselves.  It also takes a very special service member to appreciate what their spouse is doing for them while they are thousands of miles away doing their job.

So when you thank that service member, please take the time to also thank their spouses for their hard jobs too!